Growing up as an only child had its challenges but none more glaring than the attention I received for anything I did (good or bad), there was always a judging eye analyzing my every move, but not the kind of judging you may think of first hand. I was judged by if I appeared happy enough to an outsider, taught to be a people pleaser, to go along with whatever was happening around me, and to always make sure to present a happy front. To go through life with a fake smile and the illusion of happiness to the watching eye so nobody could see the depths of sadness coursing through my veins on a constant basis was not only exhausting but it became detrimental. Children model their parents’ behaviors, right? Which is exactly what I did. When my dad was unkind to my mom by making a comment about her weight in a “joking” matter, I watched her self confidence and joy deflate out of her yet she still smiled, and pretended that the hurt wasn’t deep, that words don’t cut and that his snide comments didn’t rock her to her core. I listened to her cry at night when she was alone in her room, and behind the closed doors that built the walls of the fortress nobody was ever able to break though. Upon waking the next morning, I would always hope that she would be authentic and vulnerable so that I knew it was ok to be so as well, but that was never the case. Even on the weekend my mom would be up before the birds were chirping, Diet Coke in hand (as always) dancing to the oldies, and making breakfast with a light in her eyes and a smile on her face that my dad didn’t even know was fabricated by her unwillingness to be authentic and emotionally accessible. My dad, would make degrading jokes, followed by a laugh that I can only describe by the kind that you hear an old drunk woman in the bar. I saw him do this to friends, colleagues, my mom and to me. From him, I learned that if there IS an issue that arises, the way to handle it is either with extreme denial or laughing it off and somehow making a joke of it. Seeing this repeatedly gave me the impression that this is how we act; if there is a conflict ~ pretend it didn’t happen, if someone belittles me ~ laugh and pretend its funny, if I had sadness or was emotional ~ fake it, put on a fake smile and push forward like nothing happened. The expectation of happiness was so strong that my mom would threaten to put me on antidepressants every time that I wasn’t smiling, bubbly and what she saw as “happy”. It was either that, or “Do you need to go see a counselor?” followed by an eye roll and a sigh. I learned to put a brick wall around my true self, and put on a show every day, through times when I should have been honest, and times that it may have saved me. Throughout middle school, high school college all the way through young motherhood I modeled the exact same behavior. I tried to convince myself down to the cellular level that I could be happy, I tried “fake it until you make it” which in my case didn’t work one bit. I have heard and read many articles and stories about how we can trick our brains out of depression by making ourselves smile, or telling ourselves that we are happy, when we are not. How does this truly effect our mental health, though? And the more important question is….WHY do we have to convince ourselves that we are ok, when we’re not? Hear me out…..it is OK to struggle, to cry, to feel the feeling of sadness. As long as we don’t stay there, it is VERY helpful and therapeutic to let ourselves FEEL and move on because trapping them, stuffing them and pretending only leads to unhealthy habits. So ladies, drop the fake bullshit, be YOU, be happy, sad, bubbly, quiet…be WHOMEVER YOU ARE that day, that minute!! It is OK to just be who you are!!

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